26 Dec - Merry Belated Christmas Everyone

Merry belated Christmas to everyone, gosh i didn't have time for everything. School break is about to be over, means stress is coming my way. I always have thoughts that i want to say but i am going to keep it short.

We haven't spoken for a really long time, and every day that we don't, i try and act okay about it. I want to feel okay about it, but i can't. Putting on this act just isn't working for me because there was too much left unsaid. I don't know how you are, how you feel, or how long it's going to be before we talk again. Will we miss Christmas? New Year? Our birthdays? Will we soon learn to be okay with this, and then just tumble past all these special moments without saying anything at all? I'm so scared of that happening. I'm scared I'll never be able to even look you in the eye because everything we need to say is hopelessly hanging in the silence that occurred the last time we just stopped. I'm so scared that i'm going to miss it all.

thoughts

You are the books you read, the films you watch,
the music you listen to, the people you meet,
the dreams you have, the conversations you engage in.
You are what you take from these.
You are the sound of the ocean, the breath of fresh air,
the brightest light and the darkest corner.
You are a collective of every experience you have had in your life.
You are every single day. So drown yourself in a sea of knowledge and existence.
Let the words run through your veins and let the colours fill your mind.

Goodbye forever.

I kind of think that you and me, are starting to feel like we're not meant to be and usually you can keep my attention but now i'm starting to drift away. And honestly i can't keep doing what we've been doing faithfully, so maybe we should just call it quits today.
It's not your fault and it's not my fault, sometimes things just don't work out. Please don't call me, there's no talking. I don't want to work things out, what was broken yesterday, we can't argue it away and i shouldn't have to say this anymore. I got to say goodbye forever.

thoughts.

LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO... WAKE UP IN THE MORNING WITH REGRETS. SO LOVE THE PEOPLE WHO TREAT YOU RIGHT, FORGET ABOUT THE ONES WHO DON'T AND BELIEVE THAT EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. IF YOU GET A CHANCE, TAKE IT. IF IT CHANGES YOUR LIFE, LET IT. NOBODY SAY THAT IT'D BE EASY, THEY JUST PROMISED IT WOULD BE WORTH IT.

Sleep.

I actually just like sleeping with someone. Not sex but actual sleep. Making love or hot sex is great but there's something about just curling up to someone and sleeping that sex just doesn't have. There's a quiet comfort to know that someone's there and you're just happy to be in each other's presence. It's a certain feeling of safety or that you belong with someone. I don't know how to describe it exactly but i hope some of you understand what i'm getting at. Maybe i'm too much of a romantic sometimes but i just don't think there is enough romance in the world anymore. i'll shut up now though.

feeling

I love it when i get that feeling. you know that feeling. The kind of emotion that just kinds of wraps itself around you after you've had a bad week. Or a bad month. Or a bad year. And it was hell, and maybe nobody even knows what you were going through or why you were so sad. Hell, maybe you don't even know either. But i'm not talking about the sadness. The feeling i'm in love with is the feeling of happiness when you finally feel like everything's okay again. When the world has righted itself and you can build yourself back up again before the next inevitable wave of sadness brings you down. The feeling where you think "I made it through, again. Bring it on, world."

Stop trying to "get it together." The biggest lie we're told when we're growing up is that soon as we're adults, as soon as we're in college, finish college, get that job, have that steady income, find that someone special, "find ourselves," find that perfect house, get that retirement fund, have those children, everything will fall into place. Here's a secret: it won't. Every new development in your life, good or bad, big or small, will come with its own very special set of challenges. The sooner you accept that, the better off you'll be. But the myth is perpetuated throughout life, perhaps now more than ever with happy status updates on Facebook and blushing bride/happy multi-tasking mommy blog posts. What these success stories don't tell your friend who is so over the moon with her new baby had to apply for food stamps. They don't tell you that your fantastic, involved professor struggles with depression. They don't tell you that your happily married friend still has nightmares about her abusive ex. They don't tell you the cousin who just got that jealousy-inducing job opportunity is thinking of breaking up with his boyfriend of 10 years. What closely interacting with people from all backgrounds on the internet for over a decade has taught me is that no one "has it together" in the way we think they do. So stop trying to have that as your goal, because you are just setting yourself up for massive failure.

say out loud.

If nothing else, i hope you know that i love you with every ounce of my being. I hope you realise your importance not only to me but to everyone who has been lucky enough to know you. I hope you know that when you're feeling down, i only ever strive for your happiness. I hope you remember that no matter what, i'm here for you and i fully intend on staying in your life for quite some time. I hope you recognise the fact that i appreciate and adore you without restraints, and that this will never change.

Thanks A for been there for me, whenever i needed help. Your always there for me, no matter how much we hurt each other hearts. A person who is already a married man and beautiful wife, and you still care about me. I want to say thank you for being there for me, thanks for the listening ear whenever i needed the most. I really cannot compare anyone who is better than you. You had help me alot, family issue, money problem and school stuff. You're always there to support me, push me to continue. Thank you bro.

It's crazy, because i don't even know when you became so important to me. It's like watching a snowstorm. You see the flakes falling, but you don't realize how they're adding up. Then suddenly, your whole lawn is covered. All these little things have added up, and you're my snowstorm, baby.

Night is purer than day; it is better for thinking and loving and dreaming. At night everything is more intense, more true. The echo of words that have been spoken during the day takes on a new and deeper meaning.

Photo Of Me

Julian Morris

Julian Morris my #Dreamboy

You boys out there might be thinking i'm crazy but whatever, i think he's cute and handsome. God if he's my boyfriend, i'm mad happy!

think about it

Thinking about change is weird. Think about it.
Change can happen very slow. Every single day you look at yourself in the mirror, and every single day you don't notice much of a difference. If you look at yourself over a year though, so much has changed. You don't notice it while it's happening, but it's happening alright. Change can also happen very fast. So much can change within a day, within an hour, within a minute, and even within a second. One second can spark up a whole new view on life, one second can change your relationship status, one second can change so much.

mature

“Immature people falling in love destroy each other’s freedom, create a bondage, make a prison. Mature persons in love help each other to be free; they help each other to destroy all sorts of bondages. And when love flows with freedom there is beauty. When love flows with dependence there is ugliness.

A mature person does not fall in love, he or she rises in love. Only immature people fall; they stumble and fall down in love. Somehow they were managing and standing. Now they cannot manage and they cannot stand. They were always ready to fall on the ground and to creep. They don’t have the backbone, the spine; they don’t have the integrity to stand alone.

A mature person has the integrity to stand alone. And when a mature person gives love, he or she gives without any strings attached to it. When two mature persons are in love, one of the great paradoxes of life happens, one of the most beautiful phenomena: they are together and yet tremendously alone. They are together so much that they are almost one. Two mature persons in love help each other to become more free. There is no politics involved, no diplomacy, no effort to dominate. Only freedom and love.”

thoughts

Sometimes i look back and i am shocked. Every day of my life i have prepared for success, worked for it, waited for it, and you don't notice how the days pass until nearly a lifetime has finished. Then it hits you - the thing you have been waiting for has already gone by. And it was going in the other direction. It's like I've been waiting on the wrong side of the road for a bus that was already full.

nothing special.

I really can't picture anyone having a crush on me.

I can't picture someone thinking about me before they fall asleep,

I can't picture anyone getting butterflies because i say hi to them,

or even just smiled at them.

I can't picture someone smiling at the computer screen or their cell phones when we're talking.

I mean like... why would they ever do that?

i'm just me. Nothing extraordinary, or special.

really hard time.

Think of something really hard you've had to go through in the past. Well, you survived it. You're alive, aren't you?

Think about that the next time you're going through a really hard time. You'll pull through. You'll survive. You are strong. Your skin may tear, and your bones may break, but your soul? Your soul can never be irreversibly damaged.

need more time.

I hate having to pretend that i am fine all the time. I just want to sit alone and cry.

I just want to release my feelings. Its tiring to put myself together every morning just to break again at night. I just want to stay broken so i can slowly mend myself. I just need more time.

1. That things

The realization that feelings never really completely go away. The truest form of feelings, they linger, invisibly carved into your skin, your heart. The eat you away inside. They burn into your mind, until one day you find yourself remembering scenarios that never really happened or creating non-existent events in your mind. And that's when the real hurt consumes you, in the moment that you realize that they never will. That things change, people and feelings and what-not, that things never really last forever, and that when they expire, your left ruined, tainted with feelings of nostalgia and pain, or with, something worse; yourself.

You are falling in love with...

If you are going to fall in love with me, it's only fair that you know what you are falling in love with.

You are falling in love with my insecurities, and my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. You are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession, my tendency to be too clingy. You fall in love with my troubled past, and my hopes and dreams, and how i'm a hopeless romantic at heart. If you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever love me.

But, you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when i'm with you, the way i'll text you in the mornings just telling you i hope you have a great day. You're falling in love with the occasionally humorous and/or thought-provoking things i say, and the way i blush when people ask me about you. But to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite my thinking that it is impossible.

quote one tree hill

At this moment there are 6,470,818,672 people in the world. Some are running scared. some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls. And sometimes... all you need is one.

Dear John

let it out

Sometimes, we want to say this to someone:

"You suck. You're an insensitive, inconsiderate, selfish,

cruel, thoughtless mean person who doesn't deserve

to be cared for by a person like me.

I wish you could just disappear,

so you couldn't hurt me anymore!"

But when we open our mouth to say it,

it comes out a little softer like:

"It's ok. I still love you."

She's strong because she knows what it's like to be weak.

She keeps a guard, because she knows what it's like to cry herself to sleep.

love

When you feel cold and warm at the same time,

when you read over the same line for the tenth time,

when your heart and thoughts somehow appears to rhyme,

and when a simple name conquers your whole mind,

then you are in deep trouble my friend... you are in what they call,

"love."

CNY

Happy Chinese New Year, everybody say HUAT AH.

unknown

As we grow up, we learn that even the person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with him/her, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take many pictures, laugh much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. You just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what he/she means to you. Speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend; fall asleep while watching the sun comes up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love, and most of all live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back.

#fml.

I don't know whether should i be angry or sad because i don't know.

Maybe my friends are right, i don't need a relationship now since he doesn't trust me and like what's the point in this relationship if he/she doesn't trust you.

Recently i went to find jobs, like not all the jobs is hiring and that's sucks. i'm trying not to ask my parents money as i know money is hard to get and earn. I know they're worried about me, but i know how to take care of myself.

I love him, i always do. But i don't think he does. sigh

-don't ask whether i'm okay, obviously i'm not.

i'm selling some items that i did not wore before and hoping they will buy it, because i need money so badly. I don't even care whether i'm sick or well a not. Turning 23 is not gonna make me feel younger anymore, i need to know i'm gonna control this money and i need to be stable at something. Wah this makes me sound very old, but life suck. #FML.

i need a fresh start!

2011 has been a funny old year.I've had regrets & sadness, with a little bit of happiness thrown in roll on 2012, I need a fresh start!

Need money so badly, work almost everyday making myself weak and sick. I just quit my job, too tough and tiring. Probably getting a new part time job, nobody will understand, i don't think even my boyfriend will too. All he might think is i got a new bf or i forgotten about him and no matter what i say he doesn't trust me. I can sense that our relationship is further apart and he's probably dating someone who loves him more than i do.

Comparing is a very strong word for me. i don't know why, i just think it that way. Girls that are prettier than me, smarter than me, richer than me. See what i mean, i really think i don't deserve to be with him.

He wants to have a privacy life, i really don't know why. i cant even post a photo of him, through my facebook or blog. He doesn't want his colleagues and friends to know about our relationship. is he hiding something behind my back, i don't know. or maybe i thinking too much. No maybe my friends is right, pictures prove everything. And if you want me to show you the prove, then i show you. i don't know whether i should be angry at this photo, or just cry out loud. But i admit the girls are prettier than me, who look smarter than me and maybe richer than me. Like i say comparing is a very strong word for me. If you sense i'm jealous, Well Yes im jealous, i get jealous easier. Happy?!He still the same, i wanted to have some activities together like all other couples do. Our is like everyday is either movies, dinner, or staying home. nothing else. no fun at all.

I had decided already, if it doesn't work out. i would just let go and focusing my study.